PS. I'm supposed to sound like an asshole.
'Your twenties aren’t exciting.
Having nearly completed one year of
them I can tell you, truthfully, that your twenties will not look like they do
in commercials, or in young adult novels, or on other blogs that tell you that
your twenties aren’t exciting but if you’re quirky enough about your situation
you’ll become funny enough to live in Brooklyn and have lots of other quirky
friends and eat tofu on Thanksgiving because you are so totally over your meat
eating family and their (and by their I mean your dad’s) Republican agenda.
Your early twenties are going to
look like high school. College is going to look like high school. Nobody is
going to tell you that, but that’s actually what it is. It will just be more
fun because there will be more liquor and more gay boys to kiss when you’re
drunk.
Maybe I’m just giving you a quick
recap of my so-far-early-twenties.
I’ll give you the low-down about
what my situation looks like right now. I am in the café that I’m always at in
the summer. I am sitting in the back because it’s mid-afternoon and everyone is
here, and when I say everyone I mean ever twenty-something to thirty-something
who doesn’t have a job. I swear to God there should not be this many part
timers at this café that are over the age of 25. It stresses me out that I’ll
be here five years later typing away on my MacBook Pro thinking I’m better than
everyone else.
This café is the most pretentious
one I’ve seen and I’ve just spent, collectively, 27 months in New York City.
Davis Square used to be where townies and meth heads united, but in the past
few years the Tuft’s students have over run it with falafel places and two
(soon to be three) FroYo confectionaries.
Excuse me while I vomit.
Diesel has modern lighting
fixtures, expensive and ‘deep’ art, and rustic hodge podge seating ranging from
booths to tables to a big community table in the back, where I am, at the end,
praying that some fifty year old wannabe graphic designer doesn’t sit next to
me because I’m saving a seat for my friend Bridget.
I spoke too soon. It literally just
happened as I said that.
This man is wearing a graphic T
with a bird on it; he is eating a bagel.
I want to remind him that one day
you need to grow up and stop thinking that messenger bags are for you. This is not
Portland. We are in Massachusetts. There are too many hip fifty year olds near
me right now. Please go away.
Anyway, today I woke up
unfathomably optimistic and I wondered if maybe I was just manic. Originally I woke up at 4 AM and got afraid that the demon from Paranormal
Activity was in my room and watched Gossip Girl on Netflix until 5:30. I woke up again at 10 feeling heart heavy or
because I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend’s boyfriend sent me a text saying
that he knew about our situation by Joe (my ex-boyfriend), and that he was
moving on.
My ex-boyfriend does not have a
boyfriend. Actually, he might, who knows, he wouldn’t tell me anyway.
As a reminder, I will tell you:
Your love life in your twenties is not exciting.
Having nearly completed one year of
them I can tell you, truthfully, that your love life in your twenties will not
look like it does in commercials, or in young adult novels, or on other blogs
that tell you that your love life in your twenties isn’t exciting but if you’re
quirky enough about your situation you’ll become funny enough to find a
boyfriend in Brooklyn and have lots of other quirky friends and eat tofu on
Thanksgiving because you are so totally over your meat eating family and their
(and by their I mean your dad’s) Republican agenda.
Truthfully, my love life looks like
it did in high school. I am consistently gravitated towards the same boy that I
fell in love with when I was fifteen.
Before you ‘ooh’ and ‘aww’ about
how my object of attraction is my ‘high school sweetheart’ I will inform you
that my relationship is the kind that requires years of counseling and a
hospital visit. You can make your own decisions about which one went where.'
I think maybe I'll make a character and make it not as 'true to life' but that's a lie because I normally only write about what I know best and that's being a total loser that thinks she's better than other people because she goes to school in the city and constantly ruining everything but when I say ruining everything I don't mean like...in an 'I listen to MCR and my parents hate me' way. I mean like, in a 'really Stefani please stop being so crazy and dumb' kind of way. I also think in run on sentences and my seventh grade teacher told me that I need to stop writing like a talk, but aha! bitch I'm not in 7th grade anymore.
WHATEVER.
Painstakingly and uncomfortably yours,
Hey hey- I hope you won't mind if I leave some critique, as you didn't expressly ask for it. I do not think this sucks, I think you're starting to develop a strong voice and character to center your story around. But I do think there are some things you could work on overall to make it better, obviously feel free to disregard anything and everything if you want.
ReplyDeleteFirst I think you're going to put your readers off by using a character who has only lived through only one year of her twenties and acting like an expert in the entirety of that period of time. A lot can, and does, happen in ten years and I can tell you that the second half of my twenties is a completely different world than the first half. So I would maybe consider changing it to 'your early twenties' or the 'your' to 'my'. It depends on what you're going for overall, but I think 'your' to 'my' conveys the same attitude but won't include a dis-likeable know-it-all quality and will help establish your character and giving your reader a way to identify with her.
"It stresses me out that I’ll be here five years later typing away on my MacBook Pro thinking I’m better than everyone else." I can't tell if this is a joke or not. Your character very much comes across as someone who thinks she is better than everyone else, so whether this was supposed to be an example of your character's lack of self awareness or that wasn't a characteristic you meant to come across, I would make sure to keep it more consistent and make sure to emphasize that facet of her personality more.
I liked your use of repetition in the parts about the "boyfriend in Brooklyn/quirky friends/tofu on Thanksgiving" but at the same time I felt like that part was a bit too lengthy and might be more effective if you shortened it to, say maybe just 'your meat eating family and their (and by their I mean your dad's) Republican agenda'? Something closer to that length.
"Before you ‘ooh’ and ‘aww’ about how my object of attraction is my ‘high school sweetheart’ I will inform you that my relationship is the kind that requires years of counseling and a hospital visit. You can make your own decisions about which one went where." The wording here is a bit awkward and confusing and interrupts the flow of your story. I would just re-write it so it sounds clearer.
I hope you keep working on this, I think you really have something here :)
I figured that's the irony of it, being only one year into your twenties and thinking that you have your twenties all figured out. I don't necessarily want my character to be the most likable person ever, y'know how people HATE Hannah on GIRLs because there are parts of her that are just like the viewer, but just the parts you hate? It's sort of like that.
DeleteBut thank you! This helped me out! I probably won't add onto it for a while and I might just start over all together but thanks for your insight, I appreciate it!