I asked my mom if she made the decision of what she wanted to do with her life at 21 like I had to.
The closer I get to my senior year of college the more nervous I get about what I'm supposed to do. I'm not particularly excited about senior year considering I lost some of my closest friends on a huge of account of me being an asshole and at this rate I'm not sure if that will ever be repaired. But Manhattan is like America's Next Top Model, nobody goes there to make friends. I know I didn't.
I don't know if acting is something I'm still capable of doing and I know that I don't want to do make up for the rest of my life. I love doing make-up and putting it on people and coming up with looks and making people feel pretty or scary or excited, but I don't want it to be my job. I just want it to be another thing that I do, another thing about me.
I've played around with the idea of starting a make-up line and figuring out a safe way to do it in my kitchen. I've played around with wanting to write for teen magazines to girls so they'll hate themselves less. I've played around with wanting to be a motivational speaker, indestructible 'too cool for you' indie movie actress, relatable major motion picture actress, make-up mogul and bad ass business woman, ambassador of some kind of love yourself company. But everyone says to you that you have to pick one.
I don't want to pick one.
This might sound a little dissociative identity but there are so many versions of me that fit so many different molds. Stefani is what people call me, but they've all met a very different type of person.
I don't know how to be myself because I don't know which one is the real me.
Let's take a look.
Stefani at School: Whether she's talking about margaritas or being 40 twice divorced, you can find Stefani talking about how much stuff she has to do and how much work at Sephora she has to go to while boisterously telling you how great she is. Stefani at School might have her Judy Garland accent on or be telling someone how much of a 'perfect princess' they are for helping out with something (if she likes you). You might also hear Stefani telling someone to go away in a scathingly polite way. Her 'frattitude' (friendly attitude) and harsh comment spoken in a sweet manner are the deciding factor on whether people think she's 'fabulous' or 'just a huge bitch'. You'll often find her complaining about how exhausted she is and how badly she needs a coffee or how much she'd wish someone would take her major a little more seriously. She is also normally found at: Sephora (her work place), Cafe 101 on her lap top with Starbucks, The Costume Shop, or poking through affordable shops in SoHo.
Stefani at Home (in Boston): Stefani at Home has less friends and less people to impress so she spends more time thinking about who she wants to be. You will often find her at work or at odd jobs people call her to help with. She is often stressed about going back to school or requesting off the right days of work to go back to New York or figuring out how much money she'll need but the end of the summer. Since most of her friends are sleepy, busy, or soon undergoing surgery she spends most of her time in her house or on her own. With no one to really talk to, she spends most of her summer and other breaks soul searching and figuring out who it is she wants to be. She's often polite but even more often she is wary of the future and always feels like she might have her period. She is normally found at: home, which is an apartment above a hair salon, at Diesel Cafe furiously typing away or writing a in a journal with coffee, at Starbucks across the street from Diesel doing the same, at Buffalo Exchange, crying in Found over Chanel shoes, or at Sephora at the Prudential Center (place of employment).
Stefani with Home Friends: Probably the most realistic of the Stefani's and the most comfortable in terms of who she is because it's easier to tell people who have seen you scream-cry and shake over a crazy exboyfriend that you're sad and you don't know what you're supposed to do with your life. You see, the difference between people who have known her since she was 14 and people who have known her since 20 do not have the same understandings about her. Stefani is most likely to be found in Jenn's bed asking for answers, getting coffee with Bridget asking for answers, going on femi-dates (feminist dates that are really dates where I pay for myself because it's 2013) with Keith asking for answers, or getting lunch with co-workers asking for answers. And trying to give so many answers with the best of her ability. She is playful and witty with razor sharp remarks on certain life choices of people she used to know because regardless of how poised she wants to make herself seem she has no problem indulging in ignorant bullshit.
Stefani with Herself: A big mess.
A.
Big.
Big.
Mess.
I'm constantly swirling myself around between Stefani and Blair Waldorf and Audrey Hepburn and Miranda Priestly and bad ass mysterious indie girl and Girl Next Door meets Girl Next Whore and sweet romantic possible girlfriend and awesome friend who will listen to everything and I don't know how to be all of these people at once.
I don't even know if I want to be all of these people either.
Are you supposed to pick? Or does it just happen on its own?
After a short pause my mom responded, at age 52, "I still haven't."
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